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| 65 Best Stand-Up Jokes in pictures- Hamnet Wall.pdf |
60 BEST DAD Jokes
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| 60 Best Dad Jokes in pictures- Hamnet Wall.pdf |
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| Best Satire - Collection 2024 - Hamnet Wall |
What’s it called if nostalgia stumbles?
Trip down memory lane.
Gas is so expensive, we get arrested just for the ride downtown.
I tried the low-cost, high protein diet, but cat food tastes like garbage.
Ai is soulless and fake which makes it seem human.
I asked a hypnotist if she could help me lose weight. She said, "Yes, put down that Big Mac!"
I recently got in control of my weight. It's a 10-pound dumbbell.
My night vision gets worse, if headlights are off.
Narcissism allows us to be degenerate without the hassle of low self-esteem.
My stock broker asked if I gambled. I said, "Yes, every time I take your advice."
My neighbor stopped picking up hitchhikers, because of back surgery.
In America, Before & After pics show weight gain,
I recently got in control of my weight. It's a 10-pound dumbbell.
I was so fat, my favorite seafood was plankton
If you believe in astrology, I know the exact date you were born.
Yesterday.
Drug use seems more popular than recreational castration.
Two heads are better than one, unless you’re Isaac Newton.
Hospital prices are so high, I became a doctor just to pay the bill.
My doctor's a quack! So many people die, I wear a toe tag BEFORE surgery.
After stun gun course,
slaughterhouse manager
taught sensitivity training.
Such a quack, the answer machine says: "Sorry for your loss, please describe the details of my malpractice."
I won’t go to the gym, even to cancel my membership.
Don't be a people pleaser, unless the judge is talking.
Prices are so high, the billing department does grief counselling.
Degree in coal mine production also has a miner.
I have only two objections to opera, the words and music.
A shark was asked why he bit a photographer. It said, “that angle made my nose look big.”
Don't focus on the future, unless you pack your own parachute.
A mechanic goes to a dentist who says, “Let’s replace every tooth to figure out what’s wrong.
I quit my gym because of judgmental people. I work out at home.
Autofill is too aggressive. I typed in fun vacation. It told me to pay cash or don’t go, scumbag!
You'll get more praise for losing 20 pounds than for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is a music thief a good student? He takes a lot of notes.
Crime rates are so high, the morgue has a Black Friday sale.
My doctor is such a quack, the paperwork refers to patient or corpse.
What is free on Freudian Airlines? Emotional baggage.
A 30-year reunion was so cliquish! I got the cold shoulder just because I didn't attend their school.
In a freak accident, a poker player lost his hand.
Times are so tough, bank robbery refers to a food bank.
In America, the Hitler diet is eat vegetables, and shave your mustache three times a day.
The surest way to avoid a bear attack is by not camping.
Narcissism helps you feel superior to your parole officer.
I found an honest auto mechanic. He told the truth under oath in court.
Hospital prices are so high, I became a doctor just to pay the bill.
My stockbroker called me with horrible news. His commissions are down!
My niece complains about finding expensive pearls, and how hot it is at the landfill.
People cite the Bible, “Don’t judge…”, then quote their drug dealer about theft and adultery.
Kids are so afraid, their imaginary friend has a bodyguard.
People are too critical. They badmouth arrogant people who are just stupid, ugly and rude.
My doctor put me on the No Excuse Diet. I quit because it made me a little tired in the morning.
I was so fat, the funhouse mirror improved my appearance.
Marriage reveals your faults. By marriage, I mean your wife.
My psychiatrist may be a narcissist.
I mentioned being overweight and he said, "Don't worry, I've lost 20 pounds.
Why can't a tea kettle become president?
It has low self-steam.
Being bored is a sign of great intellect, if you're Albert Einstein.
I quit, and it shocked everybody at the electric fence company.
A magician was arrested for stealing meat. In court he said, “It’s not theft, only a slight of ham.”
A hotel clerk said, “There’s only one room left, a man was stabbed in the bed, am I interested?” I said, have they changed the sheets?
In Afghanistan, a drive-in movie is a roadside stoning.
I was reading someone's diary, and it said they had trust issues. I felt so bad, I scrawled "TRUST AGAIN!"
My grandpa was a 102 with Parkinson's, two strokes and a bad heart. His death was such a shock.
Surgical office space is so expensive, I saw a highway sign, “Shoulder Work Ahead.”
Delusion is like your dog. It makes you feel special until it cleans itself.
I interpret dreams for rich clients. I advise them to help me financially.
Higher education refers to your interest rate.
If you see a bright light, you’re either being arrested or having a root canal.
My neighbor beat up someone in road rage. They almost took away his badge.
Discipline has nothing to do with dieting, especially the way I do it.
I sped-read Einstein's book on E=Mc². I saw the word energy.
Stretching before exercise seems like putting on a chef's hat to toast bread.
The scent of food can be sensual, but the sound of a crane hoisting your date is a turn off.
"Thirteen jobs in 4 months." the boss asked, "Why are you hopping around so much?"
I'm a kangaroo.
My cousin's a visual learner. He watches others work.
A hoarder loved her job so much at a landfill, she took her work home.
You may be an addict if you get a root canal for the laughing gas.
My stock broker and I have a very strong bond.
A man’s most attractive trait on a date is a sense of humor. After marriage, it's having a job.
What's a bad name for a 5-star restaurant?
Straight from the horse's mouth.
I bought a 12-bedroom mansion for a hundred dollars... on the North Pole.
What defines a saint?
A dictionary.
I just read the 1,200 page book War and Peace, but my abridged version was a paragraph.
We're so soft on crime in court, the victim's in handcuffs.
Gluten is wheat. Gluten-free milk is like saying no dolphin meat in orange juice.
I'm overweight because I internalize my emotions. No, I internalize too much food.
My cousin got caught in a speed trap, so she stopped taking pills.
Based on medical advice of a NY cab driver, I got my head examined.
I wish rude people were nicer to me when I'm rude to them.
A blue whale bride asks her husband, "Do these 300,000 pounds make me look fat?"
I asked my uncle in India, "How are you?" He moaned, "Another day, another dollar." I said, "Can you leave Calcutta?"
Income inequality seems unfair. Why should Elvis sell more albums than people with no talent?
Stop the excuses. "KFC makes me fat. I've got a thin person inside me trying to get out." No, you've got two pies and a bucket of chicken trying to get out.
Democracy robs Peter to pay Paul to vote.
I told my cousin I'm old-fashioned and bashful about getting naked. He said, his marriage counselor had the same problem.
News anchors bounce from horrific stories to fun trivia. Cannibals were arrested for killing five Girl Scouts, and Thin Mints are up 12%.
If my wife asks, “Would gaining four hundred pounds make me look fat?” Of course not.
A cannibal mortician was fired for eating on the job.
Sometimes, I get bashful around people I don't know, like a burglar.
Things are so hostile, Nobel Peace prize is by weight class.
I saw a terrible ventriloquist move his lips, but he was on the phone.
Confessions in church are embarrassing; mom’s voice is so loud.
What did mama drum tell her 5-year-old?
"Sit tight."
Don't trust a brain surgeon who also delivers your paper.
If I lived life over again, I'd scream,
“Why is everything repeating?"
Don't bring a friend to your fitness trainer. I had to top his goals, so I’ll have 2% body fat in a month.
I need emotional support, so I quit as zookeeper because pythons are aloof.
I have strong feelings about apathy.
Things are so political, my optometrist refers to right or left eye as good and evil.
Why is income inequality not a problem after you win Powerball?
Only good people are honest about their hypocrisy.
Clients and their psychoanalyst spend three hours a week for 20 years to cure codependence.
What do eggs do best in football?
Scramble.
What did mama drum tell her 5-year-old?
"Sit tight."
Low self-esteem allows us to hurt others and keep self-pity alive.
Education cures everything except stupidity and ignorance.
If you're 800 pounds, don't let criticism bother you. There's still time to reach 1200.
Paranoia may be a rational distrust of sanity.
A mole goes to a dentist and says, “I’m hungry; I’d like a root canal.”
When is "take this job and shove it" an offer of employment? If you manage sumo wrestlers.
What is grandma in a street fight?
Off her rocker.
My psychiatrist put me at ease. He assured me that paranoia is quite normal for crazy people.
Don't take me the wrong way, by the things I do and say.
Don’t climb Mount Everest if you won’t change the channel if the remote dies.
True story. A man falsely confessed to killing a hitchhiker, just to get his wife to end their marriage. In court, he said, "It worked for the Boston Strangler."
My friend died in an accident. His gun jammed trying to rob a biker gang.
People hate a phony, but it’s a huge improvement to their real personality.
My cousin got cut off by a rude driver, and brought the body to his anger management class.
A kid in high school had so much money, his meals were carried to him on a silver tray and pushed under his prison door.
The strongest evidence of God's mercy is the elusiveness of truth.
A guy said, “My wife found out I was cheating and lying to her. We’re incompatible.” I said, “No, cheating and marriage are incompatible.”
I spend six hours a day on email convenience.
Jeffrey Dahmer was a cannibal who worked at a chocolate factory, which technically is the keto diet.
Conversion is the grandest miracle of all. It's proof that in the religious community someone changed their mind.
Everybody thinks they work hard. A security guard at an empty building said, "I can't keep up this pace!"
Taking responsibility makes success a lot less appealing.
My cousin helps retail stores stop shoplifting. He moves.
My weird doctor asked if I took illegal drugs. I said, “No, is something wrong?” He said, “Yes, I need a reliable dealer.”
Street crime is spreading. It’s keeping us from watching violence at the movies.
Sad story. A recovering alcoholic fell down his 12-steps.
Those who find marriage boring, have a lonely spouse.
It seems negative to answer, how are you? with no complaints. How's your job? No embezzlement charges. How's your doctor? No malpractice lawsuit.
A guy at work just left his girlfriend who screamed, “You don’t listen to me!" He said, "I don’t want to hear I never listen!"
What’s worse, a bear pedaling a bicycle at a circus or taking its bike away at the zoo?
A perfectionist can be fun if pencils aren't all pointed in the same direction.
I'm very suspicious of people who aren't paranoid.
My aunt worked for a butcher with 7 fingers. He gave her tips on how to cut meat.
I became close with my math tutor in high school. About twice a month, I mowed his lawn.
Surgical office space is so expensive, I saw a highway sign “Shoulder Work Ahead."
People who say nature is beautiful, never tried camping.
My doctor said she can't see any more patients. Her husband is getting suspicious.
My doctor's wife doesn't like him seeing patients at night, or at hotels.
I like to say E=mc2 in a language people can’t understand.
I told my mechanic, "I press the brakes and the horn blows." He said, "Only honk if you stop."
On the show Cheaters, a man said that he can't believe his girlfriend’s immorality, to sleep with another man, her husband.
If I won Powerball’s 500 million, I’d borrow that amount and put a billion on the next drawing, then file for bankruptcy.
Procrastinate: to age a task, as wine, for future palatability.
I remember when everybody condemned conformity.
Finally, an aggressive telemarketer went to prison...for stabbing her husband.
Cannibals have their own food channel. Well, it's closer to a deep hole with camouflage.
Society exists so low taste can be fashionable.
I look for bargains. I found an inexpensive motivational psychologist on trial for extortion.
Confessing other people's sins is more fun!
A policeman knocked on my window at night, and saw me sleeping. He said, “Are you okay?” I said, “I guess I dozed off. The key's under the mat; I'll make you some coffee.”
A cop pulled over, and saw me sleeping on the side of the road. He said, “Everything okay?” I said, “I couldn’t say awake. Tomorrow, I’ll have my car back from the shop.”
A cannibal started an all-you-can-eat buffet called the morgue.
A drunk told the police that the accident was not his fault, “an aggressive blond drove me off the road.” The cop said, “How?” He said, “My wife sent a text.”
People say you're an alcoholic if you drink alone. So, I don't bring water on my three-day hikes.
A lady and her husband were buying a mobile home. She said, “I'd like a double-wide.” He said, “I think you married one.”
Some people shouldn't give advice. Emperor Nero said that abstinence goes against nature, right before he killed his mother and married a horse.
I watch nature shows, and some animals are particularly brutal. I think it's an evolutionary tool to get married.
When a good friend dies, it brings back a lot of memories, especially from the past.
The mother of a friend tragically died in burning debris of a plane crash. She had a stroke trying to steal from dead people.
Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage.", but my plumber said it's a plunger.
My cousin becomes a control freak every time his wife allows him to leave the house.
Gossip is the Peeping Tom of morality.
Rioting for justice is like spitting for respect.
Middle ages are barbarous, ignorant and spiritually regressive. So was the historical period.
Martha Stewart has craft ideas for hoarders: 1. Make wind chimes from random bones under your sink. 2. Build a dream catcher from yarn and dehydrated spaghetti.
Someone said, “People should be more like dogs.”, except on your neighbor’s lawn.
Never blame someone until your own faults are overlooked.
Suicide is wrong because depression is only temporary, like life.
I was a victim of road rage. A crazy man on a bicycle vandalized my car, during my hit and run.
My grandpa ran marathons and died of cancer. I avoid exercise now.
Judas is not a popular baby name.
My life coach is a robot. It's helping me feel compassion.
I browsed the website MD quack dot com, just plug in symptoms. My grand kid either has a fever or he's going through menopause.
Certainty lends a dignity to ignorance that not even truth conveys.
Someone flashed their high beams on the highway. How rude, but I still pulled her out of the burning car.
Good relationships are all about clear communication. That's why people die every year feeding bears.
My nephew flunked an emotional intelligence test. He was so upset, he punched a cop and took heroin to calm his nerves.
Low self-esteem screens our emotional baggage. I see daddy issues here. Strip search.
Sometimes my cousin feels guilty about something he did 20 years ago. It was just a phase he went through as a career criminal.
Meditation gives you clarity. Your inferiority complex can make total sense.
I enjoy company staying at our house. By company, I mean Pizza Hut and Tyson.
Every time I go on a diet, I gain 10 pounds, so I eat everything and gain only 5.
I avoid trouble at airports. I shrunk my emotional baggage to a carry-on.
My dentist is a junkie. He was on laughing gas handing me my bill.
The pandemic cut my plumber's business in half. After he drained my outhouse, he asked me, any odd jobs? I said, sure can you sanitize my house?
A cannibal worked at a leper colony. The pay was average, but the finger food was free.
A desperate actor applied at Burger King. The manager asked, “Any experience?” He said, “Yes, I’ve played King Lear.”
Trading services saves money. My psychiatrist mows my lawn and I help him with his inferiority complex.
"Eternal reoccurrence" sounds noble, unless you unplug cesspools.
My grandma broke her hip but the doctor had some great news. It completely healed before she died.
My doctor complained that his high student debt is due. He said, looks like you'll need an operation this month.
Confessions in church are embarrassing, because mom's voice is so loud.
I was stopped by a police impersonator. I panicked and handed him a fake ID and bribed him with Monopoly money.
Others swear by health food. E Rs have a farmer’s market inside. “I’d like two cucumbers to fix my gunshot wound. Throw in a kiwi to cure Alzheimer’s” The doctor says, “There are two options: an MRI scan or chopped onions.
The scent of food can be sensual, but the sound of a date's crane is a turn off.
I wish cancel culture focused more on junk mail.
A good excuse combines your low standards with moral collapse.
A man mowed my lawn and said that grass makes a good mulch. For another fifty dollars, he won't pick up the grass clippings.
I never have second helpings. It's the thirteen meals a day that hurts me.
I have a protein shake in the morning for stamina. For happiness, I eat pie.
A study was done on why people believe in astrology. It's the curiosity of Sagittarians.
Mechanics hate to work on their own cars at home, which explains why psychiatrists are crazy.
Stretching before exercise seems a bit pretentious, like putting on a chef's hat to toast bread.
Prisons are so crowded, prom was cancelled.
I was so poor in college that I would buy pots at the thrift store that still had food at the bottom.
There are no moral underachievers.
When a dream dies, alimony pays for the funeral.
My doctor's so efficient, surgery is done at the mortuary.
Stretching before exercise seems a bit pretentious, like putting on a chef's hat to toast bread.
There's some debate about when becoming human begins. Is it before or after you leave Congress?
Texting is for friends, not for why you sold someone's kidney in their sleep.
A lady who stabbed her boyfriend four times, was caught red-handed.
A real shock, my fitness trainer died of a heart attack. Ironically, he was down to 800 pounds.
A hairstylist and accountant were arrested for cutting corners.
My psychiatrist asked if I lived in superiority complex. I said, “No, I own my own house.”
I may be too passive. but there's no way of knowing.
I had my first proctology exam. It was embarrassing; I forgot my gloves.
Texting and driving is dangerous because it makes your golf swing erratic.
I lost everything at an American Indian casino. It was my turn to be tricked.
I tried to buy flowers for my wife, but stores were closed. I found a perfect bouquet, and left a 20 on the headstone.
I went to a cannibal psychologist. He said, “What's eating you?"
Artificial intelligence is dangerous and expensive, about ten grand a semester.
Why do clowns wear so much makeup? It's harder to pick them out of a lineup.
I just read 1200 page War and Peace, but my abridged version was only a paragraph.
Narcissistic hypochondriacs. They always feel sick about not loving themselves enough.
My doctor said I only have five minutes to live. I said, “Why that number?” He said, “It takes that long to pay your bill.”
Why do moles use ancestry .com?
To find their roots.
My stock broker called me with horrible news. His commissions are down.
I don't want to hear I never listen.
Book burnings would stop if reading them were required.
The unknown seems full of splendor, except in the ICU.
There's 1 in a billion chance of being conceived. Take a good look at your parents.
From The Joy of Fracking - A Haiku Guide to Loving Earth, Freedom, and Fossil Fuels
Rich soil feeds roots.
Cities have root systems too
Called oil wells and mines.
What starts as hunger,
Evokes many fields of wheat.
Oil starts as freedom.
We build a wood shed;
Wasps use it to build their nest.
The earth is that shed.
Cut roses die to
Make bouquets. What dies in ground:
Oil is earth’s bouquet.
From Thoughts from My Heart
APHORISMS
APHORISMS
I don't believe in random chance. It's too unpredictable.
Do-it-yourself projects can be a hassle, like installing a fiber-optic network.
Out of curiosity, I went camping to see if can I survive an bear attack.
I'm planning to retire soon, which gives me a few months to find a job.
Van Gogh cut off his ear for a prostitute, but she preferred cash.
A tent vs. grizzly bear in camping is like fighting a shark with a rape whistle.
I screamed at the waiter, “Why is there a frog in my soup?” He said, “to eat the flies.”
Agnostics aren't sure about what they don't believe.
Julius Caesar goes into a bar and asks, "Can you make me a Bloody Caesar?"
The bartender says, "I'll take a stab at it."
Being bored is a sign of great intellect, if you're Albert Einstein.
I was so was so bad at football, they retired my bench.
I'm learning compassion from those python documentaries. There has to be a better example.
Paranoia is when you suspect your surgeon's twin, a plumber, performed your heart transplant.
A cop asked if I ran that stop sign. I said, “Not sure, I don't read while driving.”
A guy goes into a barber holding a chicken. "Can I help you?" asked the barber. He said, "My friend needs a feather cut."
Married alcoholics drink their wife away.
One clue you may lack emotional intelligence:
You think your parole officer lacks emotional intelligence.
What was the prison Sing Sing called in the past?
Sang. Sang.
My cousin doesn't trust cops. During an arrest, he gets their fingerprints.
What herb flies?
Thyme.
What do you call a pothole that's fixed?
Road.
Two heads are better than one, unless you’re Isaac Newton.
65 Best Stand Up Jokes
by Hamnet Wall
My school was so tough, police used more chalk than the teacher.
Times are so tough, the Tooth Fairy left her own teeth under my pillow.
Colorado’s a strange state. Everybody’s into health and drugs. There’s a 5K run toward heroin event.
I tried the low-cost, high protein diet, but cat food tastes like garbage.
People say to celebrate each small success. So, after I lose one pound, I do binge eating for a week.
I tried the Eat-Anything-Diet 5 days a week, but it was way too restrictive.
I love the taxidermy diet because I’m always stuffed.
I lost thirty pounds on the food truck diet… because of the food poisoning.
I look carefully at both side of an argument: why I’m right and why you’re wrong.
I dreamed of climbing Mount Everest, but decided to die of natural causes instead.
Times are so tough, my banker asked me for a loan.
Prescriptions are so expensive, Good Will opened a pharmacy.
Machiavelli said, ‘It’s better to be feared than loved.’ Perhaps, but not on a first date.
I’m doing this bit in English. I tried it in Morse code and it bombed.
My doctor gave me a stress test. He showed me the bill.
A man with frostbite asked how tall he’ll be if you cut off my legs at the knees? The doctor said, ‘You’ll lose two feet.’”
Always give people a second chance, unless they amputate the wrong leg.
My psychiatrist says denial is normal… so, I returned his bill.
Everybody has to cut costs. My eye doctor does surgery in a public bathroom.
For 3 months, I tried to get a six-pack at the gym, but they don't sell beer.
In a freak accident, a poker player lost his hand.
The day I stopped complaining, everything improved… for those annoying me.
Law of Attraction says to act rich if you’re poor. Send your butler to get food stamps.
Blaming obesity on food is like blaming the couch for unemployment.
I often take a break from dieting… especially from the one I’m on.
I crawled to save an animal on thin ice, but as I got closer, the duck flew away.
Autofill is too aggressive. I typed fun vacation. It told me to pay cash or don’t go, scumbag!
Most people don't use their college diploma as they should because toilet paper is softer. An English degree can help with unemployment forms.
If your standards are low enough, failure is impossible.
If one atom can produce explosions, postal employees are underachievers.
My niece complains about finding expensive pearls, and how hot it is at the landfill.
My stockbroker called me with horrible news. His commissions are down.
I couldn’t wait to be older. In third grade, I wore a hearing aid.
It’s hard to turn down free money, especially during a robbery.
Someone’s diary said they had trust issues. I felt so bad I scrawled, “Trust Again!”
AI only fakes empathy, like people do.
My life coach is a robot; it teaches me compassion.
Never sell lemons at a used car lot.
Many operations aren't necessary, like one we die from.
Website M D quack .com said my toddler either has a fever or he's going through menopause.
Crime rates are so high, the morgue has a Black Friday sale.
Cutbacks for police are so bad, they use a corpse as a therapy doll.
Most crimes aren’t planned well. Rage and meth make you a tad spontaneous.
I don’t believe poverty causes crime.
Jeffrey Dahmer was not one pay raise from being Gandhi.
A violent paranoid has this crazy idea people are avoiding him.
You may lack emotional intelligence if you bring a corpse to anger management class.
Feelings of injustice must be deeply respected, except from my victims.
Trust your feelings, unless you pack parachutes, and feel lazy.
Animals today are so precious, every Happy Meal has a mugshot of who killed the cow.
Emotional eating means: popcorn makes me cry, not the movie.
Emotional eating means: A five-course meal is group therapy.
Diets don’t work. Fat-shaming is a sales promotion for All-You-Can-Eat buffets.
Even toddlers grow up fast. They rant, ‘This rat race is sucking my soul dry!’
A 30-year reunion was so cliquish! I got the cold shoulder just because I didn’t attend their school.
I tried to buy flowers for my wife, but stores were closed. Finally, I found a bouquet, and left a twenty on the headstone.
A doctor asked my cousin if he could fast for thirty hours. He said, "Sure, if I take two sleeping pills."
I went to a cannibal psychologist. She asked, “What’s eating you?”
I saw an FBI Most Wanted poster. It looked like employee of the month pics at McDonald’s.
If I open an account, an investment firm offers me valuable gold nuggets… a 6-piece coupon at McDonald’s.
My cousin couldn’t sell his old mattress, just because he found it at the landfill.
What sign is Jeffrey Dahmer forbidden to hold up in court? ‘Free Hugs.’
You lack emotional intelligence if you get road rage playing Chutes and Ladders.
I love critical people who focus on their own faults.
My doctor told me to watch my calories. I bought a mirror and eat ice cream.
I learned to take criticism, by losing respect for your opinion.
Hypocrisy must never be tolerated, unless I’m somehow involved.
My school is so tough, the field trip is to find the body.
Only in Hollywood do private jet owners call themselves oppressed.
I have learned to value moderation; I use it sparingly.
My young dentist tries a product before selling it. That’s how she got false teeth.
So excited, I’m doing my special tonight! It’s the fish-and-chips platter.
Stop running from yourself! You’ll need energy to be someone else.
Embezzlement at the bank at night surprised my cousin. He thought that he was alone.
I believe covid can bring people together, like for a first century stoning.
60 Best DAD JOKES
by Hamnet Wall
Why should cheetahs be obese? They’re always eating fast food.
Electricity goes to a psychiatrist and says, "I hold my emotions inside."
The doctor says, "You need an outlet."
What is free on Freudian Airlines? Emotional baggage.
Why can't a tea kettle become president?
It has low self-steam.
Why was an amoeba in solitary confinement? It's single-celled.
What is yarn with bad karma called?
String of bad luck.
Why did the hunter go to a doctor? He couldn’t get a mole off his arm.
How did King Tut lose money? Pyramid scheme.
Cause and effect seem like design flaws.
What shellfish loves a massage? Mussel.
Before the auto show, where did cars meet?
Carpool.
What does a javelin use to avoid bad breath? Spearmint.
Why did 5 quit his job? The company treats me like a number.
My dentist asked if I wanted a crown.
I said, "No, I don't believe in monarchy."
What’s an electrician’s favorite fruit?
Currant.
A clerk asks a termite, ‘Why are you returning this hammer? It said "The handle is too dry."
A magician was arrested for stealing meat. In court he said, “It was only a sleight of ham.”
A beaver goes into a wood furniture store and says, "I'd like one table to go, please."
What’s it called if nostalgia stumbles?
Trip down memory lane.
A chatty tree trimmer was fired for talking too mulch.
Casinos should give you free alcohol after you lose all your money.
What is yarn made by a pig called? Hamstring.
Why do balloons hate clowns?
Clowns treat us like animals!
Why won't a seamstress work sixteen hours a day? It makes her sew tired.
History repeats itself, especially if you read the same book twice.
A doctor gave a beaver a stress test, and said, "You must be dam tired."
What’s a rabbit caught by a fox called?
A bad hare day.
I asked a hypnotist if she could help me lose weight.
She said, "Yes, put down that Big Mac!"
I have only two objections to opera, the words and music.
What is corn’s highest military rank?
Colonel.
What's the most intelligent vegetable?
Head of lettuce.
How do clouds pay for Christmas?
Raincheck.
A termite goes to the doctor, and is told to eat more fiber.
Diets are a dime a dozen which are cheaper than donuts.
Evolution is a polite way of saying you're a monkey.
You won't need excuses if you don't take responsibility.
What bean files a police report? Black eyed pea.
Why won't sheep gamble?
Tired of being fleeced.
What’s the shortest ruler? Napoleon.
What is an ear-detective searching for?
Soundproof.
Why do snowmen avoid dogs? Frostbite.
Why was one bear ignored on the iceberg?
He was polarizing.
I asked my waiter, “Why is there a frog in my soup?” He said, “To eat the flies.”
What does King Charles ride? Charley horse.
A Zen master said, “I've spoken too much, but that goes without saying.”
What would skunk perfume be called?
Open Sewer.
What advertising jobs do cows have?
Branding.
There’s an easier way to lose fifty pounds… gain two-hundred first.
In college, my cousin lived ‘hand-to-mouth’, so I gave him a fork.
A lawyer said to a lumberjack in court, "Tell me what you saw that day."
He replied, "I saw every day."
My cousin calls me from a bar. ‘No one’s dancing! This salad bar is dead tonight.’
The fugitive didn’t get far on the lam. A car was faster.
Disposable watches are a waste of time.
What's the hardest floor to mop?
Ocean floor.
Why won't sheep gamble?
Tired of being fleeced.
“Bring Home the Bacon” is a bad tattoo for a pig.
What do clowns do after a fight?
Makeup.
What's land called that grows comedians?
Funny farm.
How do alien wives show their temper?
Flying saucers.
Jokes and Bits by
Stand-Up Comedian
Hamnet Wall.
Stand-Up Comedy Routine - Sample
Hello, my name is Hamnet Wall.
I’m doing this bit in English. I tried it in Morse code and it bombed.
People say to celebrate each small success. So, after I lose one pound, I do binge eating for a week.
Health food will always cost more because depression pills are expensive.
Every time I go on a diet, I gain 30 pounds.
I was so fat, my favorite snack was plankton. So fat, a manatee looked anorexic. I was so fat, I did the stress test on cow scales.
I dreamed of climbing Mount Everest, but decided to die of natural causes instead.
News anchors go from horrific stories to fun trivia in the same voice. Cannibals were arrested for killing and consuming five Girl Scouts. On the bright side, sales of Thin Mints are up 12%.
Machiavelli said, "It's better to be feared than loved." Perhaps, but not on a first date.
I tried the website M D quack .com. You plug in your symptoms and it gives both extremes: sniffles or nasal cancer. It said my toddler either has a fever or he's going through menopause.
Stop the excuses. “KFC makes me fat. I’ve got a thin person inside me trying to get out” No, you’ve got two pies and a bucket of chicken trying to get out.
Gluten’s in wheat. Gluten-free milk makes no sense. It’s like saying, no dolphin meat in orange juice or cage-free almonds.
Surgical office space is so expensive, I saw a highway sign “Shoulder Work Ahead.”
My doctor gave me a stress test. He showed me the bill.
Always give people a second chance, unless they amputate the wrong leg. “Sorry, here’s a buy-one-get-one-free coupon.”
My young dentist just got false teeth. I asked, “Are you pushing a new product or forgot to brush?”
Cutbacks for police are so bad, they use a corpse as a therapy doll.
My stockbroker called me with horrible news. His commissions are down.
My psychiatrist says denial is normal, so I returned his bill.
Confessions in church are embarrassing because mom’s voice is so loud.
It's easy to tell who caused an accident, whoever begs not to call the police. He's driving a '76 Pinto with hail damage, and no fender, swears he'll fix my Ferrari in the morning but is late for a speech at NASA. It's 2 am, and he's drunk. Turns out, he was lying.
I was so fat, my picture got zoo animals to lose weight. The hippo said, my God, I’ve got to shed some pounds.
I saw an optical illusion. It was a picture of a blue whale with my face on it.
My doctor said I had no trace of overactive glands or self-control.
My grandma broke her hip but the doctor had some great news. It completely healed before she died.
Most mayors act totally lost on TV trying to manage natural disasters. They act like a fifth-grader handed a scalpel, asked to do eye surgery. “Who’s the patient?” I was a bartender a month ago, now I’m in charge of a storm the size of Texas.
Others swear by health food. E Rs have a farmer’s market inside. “I’d like 2 cucumbers to fix my gunshot wound. Throw in a kiwi to cure Alzheimer’s” The doctor says, “There are two options: an MRI scan or chopped onions.
A tent protecting you from a grizzly bear is like fighting a shark with a rape whistle.
If others pay the price for your success, you’re a leader or a pimp.
Since Covid, no one admits to being sick anymore. I shiver in my Hazmat suit at work, and cough inside my malaria tent. “Are you ok?” It’s just allergies. Yeah, I’m allergic to foreclosure!
I try to exercise, in the same way I hoped to be an astronaut as a kid.
Take your kid to work day is so fun unless you sniff armpits or drain outhouses.
Colorado’s a strange state. Everybody’s into health, fitness, and drug use. There’s a 5K meth walk to cure low energy and a run toward heroin event.
People say take a small step toward your dream. So, I quit my job and bought a Powerball.
Delusion is like your dog. It makes you feel special until it cleans itself.
I'm not defensive if my faults aren't discussed.
Don’t buy a COVID test or dreamcatcher at a thrift store.
If one atom can produce explosions, postal employees are underachievers.
Being offended doesn’t make you moral, any more than diarrhea makes you a food critic.
My cousin thought his son was good, until the bonehead left prints on the bank vault.
My doctor said obesity was caused by my diet. So, I avoid my health food.
My neighbor says he just wants to be around nice people, not angry clients trying to get their money back.
I was so fat, my sponsor was a crane company.
Three bumper stickers on one car: Pro-Genocide Amish, Pro-Rape Baptist, Pro-Abortion Catholic. I thought this guy is going straight to hell for being Amish or Baptist!
Even holidays are tense. Everything is so tight, we had to use Vaseline to stuff the turkey.
I was in such a rush to be older, I bought a hearing aid in 3rd grade.
Toddlers grow up so fast, their first words are, "This rat race is sucking my soul dry!"
Kids are growing up so fast. After menopause, 3-year-olds can choose their own pronouns.
AA is for toddlers, but it only has 2 steps.
Einstein proved that time slows down the faster we travel, so there's more time to scream during a plane crash.
True story. After being killed, Time magazine called bloodthirsty ISIS leader an “austere scholar.” That’s like explaining WWII as Stalin had a handsome mustache.
People say they work for a tyrant. Hitler's secretary would call BS.
It’s can’t be called evolution if we go from Divine Creator to Honey Boo Boo.
Johnson and Johnson, a great company until someone said, “Bob, our baby shampoo and Band-Aids are popular. How about injecting vaccines globally?” No one at Fisher-Price says, “People love our fake ovens. It's time to make a space shuttle.”
They say to channel your anxiety into more productive areas. For example, use fear to get rich, which sounds like armed robbery.
Visualize grandiose success. It's the first important step to false hope.
I hate when people ask, “How’s your diet going?” They’re really asking, “How’s your complete lack of character?”
My life coach is a robot; it teaches me compassion.
Most crimes aren’t planned well. Rage and meth make you a tad spontaneous.
People give too much information! “This is Bobby. He's my son, well actually a stepson from her previous marriage to an abusive alcoholic with gonorrhea who accused her of embezzlement. Anyway, could you add fries to my order?”
I knew a violent paranoid alcoholic with poor hygiene. He has this crazy idea people are avoiding him.
Times are so tough, my banker begs on his lunch break.
So tough, the Salvation Army's in the soup line.
Times are so tough, Good Will just opened a pharmacy.
It's tougher to get a refund; returning a smoke detector requires a death certificate.
The pandemic cut my plumber’s business in half. After he drained the outhouse, he asked me, any odd jobs? I said, sure can you sanitize my house?
I have only two objections to opera, the words and music. I like to understand the plot, also brain surgery release forms.
65% of self-employed people hate their boss.
There’s some debate about when becoming human begins. Is it before or after you leave Congress?
People with low self-esteem ought to be ashamed of themselves.
A man mowed my lawn and said grass makes a good mulch. For another 50 dollars, he won't pick up the clippings.
I dreamed of exploring the world, until watching TV about it became a hassle.
For six months, I've been trying to get a six-pack at the gym, but they don't sell beer.
A tiger that only mauls someone in its cage, deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.
The checkout line is not the last helicopter out of Vietnam, but we box people out, and crowd the one ahead of us. Thirty seconds earlier, we wander around like a zombie squeezing fruit. But the moment we step in line, we become a New York cab driver. “Hey, what's the hold up?” Every second counts. If someone pulls out a check, “Oh no! Who is this devil?” You act like you're late for a heart transplant behind an Amish horse-drawn carriage.
My psychiatrist asked if I live in superiority complex. I said, “No, I own my own house.”
Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage.” But my plumber said it’s a plunger.
The sooner you blame other people, the more time they have to fix your problem.
I focus on the positive. How can your faults be corrected?
My future looks bright, if I can ignore the present.
Love boldly, unless there's a restraining order.
A 30-year high school reunion was so cliquish! I got the cold shoulder just because I didn’t attend their school.
Most people don't use their college diploma as they should, because toilet paper is softer. My cousin does use his English degree to fill out unemployment forms.
Artificial intelligence is dangerous and expensive, about ten grand a semester.
Education begins the moment you regret your college loan.
Education is so expensive, it's now cheaper to be ignorant.
I love that weight is a number. Red flags are easier to spot. You may be obese if you use a crane at home.
My neighbors say that the scent of food can be sensual, but the sound of their crane is a turn off.
Sometimes my cousin feels guilty about something he did 20 years ago. It was just a phase he went through as a career criminal.
Good relationships are about clear communication. That's why people die every year feeding bears.
I was so poor in college, I would buy pots at the thrift store that still had food at the bottom.
Celebrities show rare historical courage to openly support conformity.
Narcissistic hypochondriacs. They always feel sick about not loving themselves enough.
I just read 1200 page War and Peace, but my abridged version was only a paragraph.
Emotional eating is so intense, I make chocolate from cocoa and tears.
Emotional eating is so intense, popcorn makes me cry, not the movie.
You may be in a riot if you’re planting more bombs than flowers.
You may be in a riot if your peace sign lacks one finger.
My lawyer has two specialties, excessive billing and something else.
I love honest feedback when it's unconditional praise.
To vote makes me feel like God, showing love for dumb, evil crooks without conscience.
THERE’S BEEN SOME WEIRD NEWS STORIES
Any time the operation room is a stranger’s apartment, it should be a red flag. True story. A Florida man with no medical license botched the castration of a victim he met online. His sales promotion is in the dumps.
A man falsely confessed to killing a hitchhiker, just to get his wife to end their marriage. It saved the, "Is it something I said?" conversation.
True story. A man kept a tiger in his apartment on a restricted diet. He died after the tiger expanded the menu.
A sad story. A recovering alcoholic fell down his 12-steps.
Times are so tough, support animals have their own support animals.
A manatee looks like a floating all-you-can-eat buffet for sharks. It has a "I should be extinct." sign taped on its back.
I saw a terrible ventriloquist move his lips, but he was on the phone.
I work seventy hours a week for the needy. I'm self-employed.
---- End of routine sample ---
My boss surprised me by embezzling cash from the bank at night. I thought I was alone.
Zoos tell us wild animals are happy in their cages. On TV, there’s a walrus in a hostage video splashing in a small pool. If it could talk, “Hi. I'm happy here. I'm not being tortured. I came from a hundred-million-square-mile ocean which is an evil regime. My friend the dolphin and I are happier in a bathtub.”
People ask how I lose weight? True, I fast 3 days a week and exercise. They say, “No thanks!”. I'll stay on oxygen, have my toes amputated instead.
I hate gossip about my neighbor who might be an embezzler.
It's very important for kids to play sports. It teaches that incompetence is embarrassing.
My neighbor just changed banks because of security. It’s too hard to rob.
A judge told a kleptomaniac to change her pattern, so she bribes people.
I hate when people ask me, “How’s your diet going?”. They're really asking, “How’s your complete lack of character?
Times are so tough, bank robbery refers to a food bank.
Is sports really the best analogy for life? Drink beer and watch people get rich.
I figured out how Lassie knew to bring 3/4 inch rope to a well. The story was fiction.
I wear a white lab coat into a Walgreens. When people approach me, I look concerned and say, "Start wearing depends."
A cannibal police chief says binge eating and murder are both up 500%
People will say I got the flu but lost some weight. They never say I lost my leg but shed forty pounds.
Cult leaders are crazy, pretending to be moral. Enough about politics.
You may be paranoid if you bring a food tester to your mom's house.
My dad said if you want your wife mad, watch Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.
If love is blind, is marriage deaf?
Before killing his victims, Jeffrey Dahmer performed lobotomies without a medical license. He could have been sued!
My grandma broke her hip but the doctor had some great news. It completely healed before she died.
| dummy.pdf |
Quotes - 10,000 by Hamnet Wall
Pictures - unsplash.com - Book Covers and Diagram Graphics by Tom Howe
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Reluctance to certainty is love of truth.
Censorship is the worst hate speech.
Self-pity is impotence in search of a tyrant.
Faith would not exist if only logic illumined God.
Hypocrisy is not pretending to be good, but that sin does no harm.
God is invisible so that faith could be esteemed higher than reason.
Freedom of religion muzzles government, not faith in the public square.
Obeying priorities is the surest guarantor of happiness.
God loves religion and comedy, but not at the same time.
When the heart is closed, the mind cannot stay open.
Silence is God's homily.
When truth leaves no fingerprints, expecting evidence is illogical.
Self-pity is impotence in search of a tyrant.
Science is the illusion that evidence is objectively perceived.
Inner weakness seeks external blame.
A flower turns sunshine into blossom. Enlightenment turns duty into joy.
Mob rule is no less a threat to the minority than dictatorship is to the majority.
Conscience will not let me believe a lie.
The beauty of religion is that abundance can grow without money.
The universe is an altar, and life a graced ceremony; to be great become a worthy sacrifice.
Give joy more eyes than fear has grown.
The pathology of greed is harvesting more than it sows.
What cannot coexist with liberty is evil.
Discipline converts weakness into suffering, then suffering into joy.
Fallibility of logic is the limitation of science.
Contempt is hatred without the requirement of offense.
Hatred is a shameless confession about feeling powerless.
Nothing is worthy that requires a victim to achieve it.
Whatever requires force to achieve, needs tyranny to sustain it.
Socialism begins as anarchy, and dies as tyranny.
A government that takes away religious freedom will not hold other rights as sacred.
Providence is the free-will of God.
You cannot have tyranny without elitism.
Socialism fails because it's willing to hurt the poor to soak the rich.
The rule of law is like conscience; break it, and taboo is permissible.
You cannot be corrupt and free at the same time.
What we do becomes who we are. How we act becomes why we act.
If reality can't teach you, nightmares will.
Socialism perverts the focus of charity from giving to receiving, from generosity to entitlement.
Self-pity seeks revenge for the crime of another's happiness.
Being cruel to the innocent and permissive to the guilty spawn from the same pathology.
Hatred is a perpetrator disguised as a victim.
If you procrastinate long enough, you forget what you're avoiding.
We cannot trust the parasite to be honest about its host.
Some debts are paid in youth, but age pays back in conscience every nickel.
Marxism is imperialism against its own citizens.
Every occurrence is an omen because present and future are conjoined.
Truth is no more man-made than our finger or pancreas.
Guilt resembles the light of a distant star, twinkling long after conscience has died.
Pity is impotent charity.
Resentment proves you're part of the problem.
Virtue rejects moderation as often as vice does.
You're never lost, if not knowing delights you.
Love is the most convincing form of flattery.
Wisdom is the only virtue that requires happiness.
Compassion and self-pity cannot coexist.
Love is courage when we love our fate.
Reason validates our ignorance by means of logic.
Happiness is elusive because pleasure can cause emptiness.
The only centralized power without corruption is God.
The real enemy of revenge is conscience.
Actions confess our character, sometimes against our will.
Art is the epiphany of beauty.
Awareness opens whatever it touches: a blossom or wound.
True love survives whatever deaths deface.
Death has no graveyard, love no resting place.
Envy is reluctant praise.
Conformity is truth to mediocre minds.
The greatest danger to charity is not selfishness in the giver but entitlement in the receiver.
The search for happiness proves its scarcity.
We speak in words because we're tongue-tied in symbols.
Power inequality grows income inequality because big government is always at taxpayer's expense.
Faith is how reason can tolerate mysteries.
Placebos prove that faith can heal without medicine.
History is a work of fiction disguised as biography.
Nothing deserves the name of fickle less than fortune.
Simplicity foresees the essence, feels shade from the acorn.
Nature is also a Bible, and every law a parable.
Every culture dies when freedom accepts tyranny.
That the inevitable cannot be tragic is the mantra of wisdom.
Art is a myth come true.
Hopes and fears are prophesies, but joy and character are facts.
Capitalism is the evolution of freedom becoming tangible.
Arrogance is so inept, it shows contempt instead of shame.
Fallibility of logic is the limitation of science.
Wisdom is squandered on the folly of others.
Zeitgeist lends a dignity to the conformist by making opinions appear universal.
Fools create God in their own image.
Only love's fool becomes her critic.
Rebels become tyrants once in power.
God is our divine fulcrum allowing faith to lift more than human will.
One cure for envy is to respect your superiors.
Sin is addictive because watching someone die is mesmerizing.
When conscience dies, laws fill the void.
Faith without love is apostasy.
The net ensnares more fish than a thousand hooks. Centralized power creates more injustice than a thousand criminals.
Most hate God because He won't join their cult.
Slowing your emotions down liberates the mind.
Don't let fantasies spoil your dreams.
When the Beast desires only Beauty, the world pities him. When speaking Truth, he is crucified.
Martyrs need their cross to find bliss.
Doubt can be as dogmatic as faith.
The same impulse to violate character, will blame another for the breach.
God is a priest and our conscience a confessional.
Poverty grows when wealth is demonized.
Pretense is so admired that acting is an art form.
Charm converts necessity into an art.
We also fail when our victories are too small.
The dharma of science is to refute reason.
When conformity embraces truth, it is a potent form of wisdom.
Science, like an old atheist on his deathbed, has discovered God despite himself.
Pain locates the injury. Guilt locates the pathology.
Science refutes logic so often that reason itself is a system of faith.
Fantasies have more limits than reality.
Resurrection is no more miraculous than birth.
Scientific dogma is the definition of fraud.
Every scientific error had the support of logic.
Victimhood is so prestigious, it lends immunity to brutalizing others.
Beauty is never superficial to her creator.
Giving what you want, when you want is narcissism not charity.
The most common ignorance is expecting wisdom in others.
Most squander their lives returning the fallen apple to its bough.
Victim status allows our past to govern the future.
Virtue resembles weakness in its denial of conformity.
Faith is the unconscious of reason.
Competence in sowing yields more than greed in reaping.
Faith is the Sabbath of reason.
Happiness is elusive because pleasures can cause emptiness.
Government's power inequality never grows without expanding income inequality.
Envy is more flattering than praise.
Love occurs whenever two vanities can coexist.
Under the name of faith, a false idea attains its highest dignity.
The legacy of genius is its portrait of zeitgeist.
One conscience is worth a thousand laws.
Am I arrogant? Where must catastrophe fall before I learn?
Capitalism curbs greed because giving value comes before earning profit.
In recollection, even our joys become sad memories.
When profit is forbidden the seller, value is denied the buyer.
Tithing feeds the poor, capitalism the other ninety percent.
Conscience is proof God loves us individually.
Our conscience is God's private sermon.
Wisdom is a virtue that first requires happiness.
Whenever receiving is a right, giving is not charity.
Capitalism curbs greed of buyer and seller by a mutually agreeable price.
Hatred yells when conscience whispers.
Holocausts follow four steps: 1. Target Victims 2. Dehumanize Them 3. Profit from Them 4. Kill or Enslave Them.
Success must be condemned before wealth is stolen.
There can be no greed where hope is absent.
Hearts may sow our dreams, but discipline reaps the harvest.
When starving for hope, hogwash seems more tempting than hunger.
Loss of freedom proves that money alone cannot buy prosperity.
Democracy lends dignity to mob rule as monarchy does to dictatorship.
From The 9 Gifts of Capitalism
Why Prosperity Requires Freedom
*Book Covers and Diagram Graphics by Tom Howe
The legacy of genius is its portrait of zeitgeist.
Faith needs reason because it has no eyes. Reason needs faith because it has no soul.
From Thoughts from My Heart APHORISMS (see book cover above)
The mantra of weakness is external culprit.
Ingratitude is revenge against whoever is more generous.
Beauty is never superficial to her creator.
A common way to kill conscience is to claim God compels it.
Self-pity allows a narcissist to feel empathy without losing focus on Self.
Anarchy is rare because some loss of freedom makes us happy.
Addiction is revenge against being unhappy.
Goals reveal our dreams, results our character.
Surplus of one person creates no entitlement for another.
Riots prove that entitlement lacks conscience.
Every type of government has its flaw. Democracy's defect is corruption in the majority.
Uncertainty allows reason to produce hope.
Capitalism proves that opportunity does not cure poverty.
Capitalism prevents slavery by allowing labor to benefit the one who toils.
Many obstacles in life are really principles that will not yield to you.
Communism is a cult with no God but a hundred million martyrs.
The state can pluck a blossom of wealth, but not plant the garden.
Zeitgeist blinds us to the lessons of history.
A sheep is true to itself when it follows the shepherd.
Socialism requires two types of greed: wanting more for yourself than you have earned, and wanting less of another who has earned it.
Conscience will not allow joy and corruption to coexist.
Real science relies on complete detachment from its conclusions.
Any conflict between science and religion presupposes an ignorance of both.
Based on many experiments, empirical evidence is very unreliable.
Choice makes being a victim less likely.
A sheep is true to itself when it follows the shepherd.
Prayer is listening, not asking.
Anger can only do you good when you're not angry.
Addiction is ritual without empowerment.
No one attains greatness by receiving alms.
The great irony of science is that to see clearly requires faith.
Hatred is the anesthesia that allows conscience to swallow evil.
Profundity does not resemble complexity, but revelation.
Atheism is also certainty about the unknown.
Whatever requires force to achieve, needs tyranny to sustain it.
What proof is there that God does not exist?
Atheism is belief without evidence.
Slavery takes labor by force, socialism the fruits of labor.
Hatred is a false idol of certainty.
Communism hates capitalism for creating prosperity without force.
Pangs of conscience are labor pains of love.
Censorship is thought-police brutality.
Cults are the anesthesia that allows reason to ingest dogma without pain.
Socialism is a mutation of slavery in the evolution of tyranny.
If Marxism loved the poor, it wouldn't dispossess their employers.
Intensity of hatred will match feelings of impotence.
Hatred proves how gullible conscience can be to passion.
Our mind is a museum with thoughts hanging on the walls.
A sheep is true to itself when it follows the shepherd.
Because capitalism funds charity, market market efficiency is the golden goose of philanthropy.
Our will is a prophet, not just a leader.
You can't be generous with other people's money. That's why socialism is morally corrupt.
Nothing is so beautiful that force cannot uglify it. Adding force to work, sex or charity defines slavery, rape and socialism.
Dreams come true when action awakes!
Tithing allows charity to feed the poor; capitalism offers them the other ninety percent.
A quiet mind gives solutions that action alone cannot conceive.
Marxism hates greed but loves envy.
Mistakes of history recur because virtue is non-transferable.
Capitalism is opportunity not wealth, a choice not a cure.
Every act paves the road to our philosophy.
Groupthink overrides conscience so that evil appears unpunished.
Once in power, hypocrisy turns from rage to piety.
Socialism is the art of giving away other people's money to feel generous.
Envy alludes to where ambition fails.
The Civil War proved that slavery is not free labor. Socialism proves that welfare is not free money.
There's never enough pleasure to bring happiness to vice.
Convictions that reject new evidence have become emotions.
Only a revolution reducing the power of government can increase liberty.
The most common obstacle is believing your excuse.
The pendulum of tyranny swung from "free labor" for slaveholders to "free money" for socialists.
Nothing hides incompetence more than monopoly.
Pity is amends when its charity is inadequate.
Love dignifies suffering.
The best eulogy is to praise the living.
When the majority is corrupt, democracy devolves into tyranny.
The most common ignorance is expecting wisdom in others.
Bitterness is unhappiness disguised as morality.
Low self-esteem is actually idolatry of others.
Only wisdom can expand freedom by reducing choice.
Don't ignore me yet. I only win if I ignore you first.
Politics is the elitism of corrupt over the strong, tyranny over freedom.
Imperative for certainty may spawn an aversion to truth.
The cure for hatred is stop feeling superior.
People's profound need to be lied to creates duplicity in politics.
Discipline converts weakness into suffering, then suffering into joy.
The moment being a victim ends, empowerment fills the void.
Weakness is the infancy of evil.
Howls of anger drown the death rattle of conscience.
When we recognize the root of evil as weakness, we no longer blame the fruits of evil on the strong.
Most suffering is caused by weakness not injustice.
The most common apostasy is deficient love.
Power inequality is more dangerous than income inequality because force is required.
Most try to create God in their own image.
When who we are is not enough, nothing else will suffice.
Because perception is inherently fallible, logic is duped by empirical evidence.
Slavery owns the worker; socialism owns the wages.
All is never lost because God writes the final act.
The labor pains of discipline give birth to joy.
Worry helps fear stay relevant.
Life is an allegory of the soul.
The function of conscience is to prevent sin, not punish it.
Dreams keep our mind sane, and fantasies make it sick.
Democracy proves that absolute power even corrupts the majority.
Only the American Revolution reduced power of government. All other revolutions have codified tyranny into law.
The danger of inhibition is to see depravity as freedom.
Postponing joy is a form of grief.
Romance dies when love tolerates weakness.
Actions are confessions of character.
Charm gets the attention that
rudeness only dreams of.
Addiction is ritual without empowerment.
Anarchy and equality and never coexist peaceably.
The road to paradise least resembles it.
Narcissism is a quick fix to feeling unworthy.
